Why the pheromone-maxxing trend makes no good scents

Men, we need to talk.I understand dating is difficult right now.The apps are terrible, and everyone is confused.

Nobody knows whether they’re dating, talking, hanging out, or participating in a six-month psychological experiment conducted primarily through Instagram Stories.However, I have recently learned that some of you have responded to this crisis by no longer showering, and this is definitely not the answer.“Pheromone-maxxing” is the latest addition to the internet’s ever-expanding dictionary of ways men can apparently optimize themselves into becoming irresistible to women.The idea is that by skipping showers, ditching deodorant, and sometimes rewearing sweaty clothes, men can preserve their natural musk (and the magical pheromones supposedly hiding inside it), thereby becoming biologically irresistible.Some of the more extreme versions reportedly involve drinking urine.Gentlemen.We have lost the plot.Of course, if any state was going to understand the impulse to optimize oneself into romantic perfection, it was going to be California.Here in Los Angeles, we do not simply exist inside our bodies.

We manage them like startups.We monitor our sleep.Track our glucose.

Cold plunge.Red-light.

Supplement.Strength train.

Count protein.Discuss cortisol with people we met 11 minutes ago.

There is probably a man in Venice right now wearing a continuous glucose monitor while drinking an $18 smoothie and explaining mitochondrial function to a woman who desperately wishes she had ordered it to go.Optimization is practically our municipal religion, so I understand how we got here.Dating is uncertain.Attraction is mysterious.

Rejection hurts.Then the internet comes along and says, “Hey, what if there were a system?”Suddenly you don’t have to wonder whether she likes you.

You just have to perfect your jawline, your haircut, your wardrobe, your workout, your text response time, and, apparently, the bacterial ecosystem flourishing beneath your armpits.Exce...