So if there's anything we learned from COVID, it's that our leaders and experts lie and they suck.
That's it. Good night, everybody.
First, a leader, so-called leader VP Kamala Harris, or as Joe calls her, President Harris, as she attempts to string some words together, like cheap, half-blinking Christmas lights, and she's the dimmest bulb.
Vice President Kamala Harris. (AP Photo/Patrick Semansky)
INTERVIEWER: Six former administration officials last week wrote that open letter urging the administration to change course, to change strategy. Is it time?
VICE PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS: It is time for us to do what we have been doing, and that time is every day. Every day it is time for us to agree that there are things and tools that are available to us to slow this thing down.
Hmm, that time is every day. Wow. It's like a song lyric. That's not word salad that's a turd salad with a vinaigrette of voter regret.
She just starts talking, hoping the words line up like kids at the school cafeteria, but instead they scatter like a deck of cards in a strong wind. Two metaphors, tied together.
It's funny the Dems were hoping her youthful enthusiasm would rub off on Biden, which is hard to do because they've only been in the same room twice in the last year.
But instead, Biden's incoherence has rubbed off on her. Apparently, it's as contagious as omicron. Here's a comparison.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: Count the vote. Count the vote. Count the vote.
HARRIS: I urge people to you can Google it or go on to any search engine and find out where free testing and the free testing site is available.
BIDEN: And to help lead our federal testing program, I've talked, I've talked, I've excuse me, I've tapped Dr. Tom Inglesby. I hope I pronounce Inglesby correct.
HARRIS: I have to look at the current information. I think it's going to be by next week but soon, absolutely soon. And it is a matter of urgency for us.
INTERVIEWER: Should we have done that sooner?
HARRIS: We are doing it.
INTERVIEWER: But should we have done it sooner?
HARRIS: We are doing it.
President Biden. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)
Yeah. Wow. It's like she caught a new variant. Call it Joe-micron. It rots the brains of mediocre politicians.
No wonder they inspire as much confidence as a doctor would in the operating room wearing a female body inspector T-shirt.
Speaking of doctors, this week we found out that our top scientists thought COVID did, in fact, leak from a lab, but they were too worried that further debate would harm science in China.
Yeah, 'cause the last thing we want to do is bring a halt to those lab experiments they're doing on caged poodles and Uighurs.
This, according to recently surfaced emails in which one expert admits from nearly a year ago that a likely explanation was that COVID had rapidly evolved in a low-security lab.
Yeah, a low-security lab, you know, maybe it's me, but that sounds like the worst kind of lab, at least for messing around with deadly viruses.
Kat follows better safety protocols when she makes meth in her garage.
The email to Fauci and Dr. Francis Collins of the NIH suggests a virus was primed for rapid transmission between humans.
NIH Director Dr. Francis Collins. (Photo by SARAH SILBIGER/POOL/AFP via Getty Images)
That's a pretty big woops, even bigger than the daily one and Biden's slacks.
So what did the experts do? Did they leap into action to get the truth out?
Fat chance, my Friday friends.
They fretted that even debating gain-of-function research would do unnecessary harm to science in general, and science and China in particular. Francis Collins warned it could damage international harmony that's right.
They kept it quiet not to protect you, but to protect the feelings of the brutal, lying dictatorship that's as sensitive as a chubby kid on TikTok.
Speaking of harmony, what was Collins, the former head of the NIH, doing rather than telling us the truth? This:
DR. FRANCIS COLLINS [To the tune of "Somewhere over the Rainbow"]: Somewhere past the pandemic when we're free, there's a life I remember full of activity.
You know, this is a time when I envy the dead. I think my ears are going to charge me with murder.
So, yeah, Nero fiddled while Rome burned. And while a pandemic raged, Francis played his guitar like a f------ camp counselor ruining your s'mores.
So the emails reveal that scientists were less interested in science than politics and felt it was better to hide the origins of a deadly virus than be open with those of us who were about to die.
Now there were people like us who knew the virus likely came from that lab. Some were scientists, and they were roundly mocked. Some were called racist.
Yet privately, the mocking experts agreed with them. And yet, they left the people who said this publicly hang out to dry just to protect their own a---- and their own grants.
They said we were nuts in tinfoil hats that told us to wear masks in our cars. Empty parks and swimming pools.
It raises the point: Just how sane were the scientists in the first place? They created a deadly virus, thinking they could then reverse-engineer a vaccine in the name of science.
Why not just not create the virus? Then you don't need to reverse-engineer the vaccine.
They've already made vaccines to fight natural viruses, so we really didn't need to invent new, deadlier, creepier ones.
But hey, where's the fun in that if you want to play God and keep sucking at the government teat, which leads to the bigger question: accountability.
I'm not saying that this manmade virus was leaked on purpose. I'm pretty sure no one really wanted to kill more than 10 million people, but in this arrogant, murky universe, experts knew there's a risk you could leak a deadly, manmade virus, but they deemed the risk acceptable.
And when it happened, they blamed it on the wet market, which is pretty much a gross version of Trader Joe's.
Well, just down the road, researchers were bumbling around like a bunch of nutty professors how convenient. The pandemic had nothing to do with the scientists, say the scientists.
And so Republicans had to force their hand to grant access to the documents after these scientific institutions repeatedly resisted efforts to come clean.
And these emails show that scientists were already trying to silence any debate, claiming it would distract top researchers from their active duties.
Yeah, the way a nuclear weapon heading toward New York would distract people from going to work. So don't tell them.
Collins worried that the voices of conspiracy will quickly dominate, perhaps because in that case, those voices were right, and Collins's awful singing can't drown them out anymore. So they covered up the truth, and now we're all covering our faces.
They knew the lab leak was more real than they let on, and now we're left with millions of dead. Call it manslaughter, but the crime was in the gamble. They decided to roll the dice. It was an accidental release, but born from a risk that they happily accepted, like a drunk driver getting into his car.
Sure, someone might get killed, but it probably ain't going to be me.
They put their reputations above human lives. To them, you weren't much more than the contents of a Petri dish.
So what's the punishment for that?
Hell, even in the most liberal crap-hole of a city, they'd make you post bail.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld's opening monologue on the January 14, 2022 edition of "Gutfeld!"
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