Need help with Christmas shopping? Heres what not to get

Gifts.Who knows what to give to who? For one I suggested ties, which the guy will eventually need, or with everyone sneezing then maybe just handkerchiefs, which he’ll need immediately.“Buy something he doesn’t have,” friends suggested.

Socks? Black socks? A solid gold toothpick — what?! A solid gold toothpick he hasn’t got, right? “No,” sniffed my listeners.He hasn’t one.

Wouldn’t want one.One friend went for a rare book.Nothing he’d have two of. Like real rare.

Title? “Arithmetic and How It Is Practiced in Five Different Countries.” For sure he didn’t have two of these.This Hindu plumber can now equate a parabola geometrically in Swedish and Afrikaans.

God knows when his new information will prove invaluable.I once gave this to a faraway friend, told him that if a question comes up and the category’s Arabian algebra just know that because of my farsighted gift, his grandmother’s washing machine would once again wash.

Maybe.(Which it didn’t.)Another gift idea? A 5-foot-10 shoehorn for people to slip into their shoes from the top rung of a ladder.

For sure something the giftee wouldn’t have two of.The problem this poses is where does one place it? Return it — how? Closet it — where? Use it — when? Put it in the guy’s closet and there’s no more room for him.Why is every package you place in the “Let’s Exchange This” pile bought wholesale? And can’t be returned.

And every piece you wrap nicely always indelibly monogrammed with something else.Why?One longtime friend decided no more candles or notepads.

He’d select a novelty item.Something I positively didn’t have.

Like maybe a new address book for the name of the brand-new friend I hoped to make so I could replace him.He strode along Fifth. Beeline straight for Tiffany’s.Took the elevator past the second floor.

Sashayed past thousands of shiny objects like rings, watches, earrings, necklaces, jewels, pearls, keys, charms, ignored dozens of e...